A Year's Journey of Cutting Back on Cigs and Nic

Hello, lovelies.

Yes, I know I should just quit.

May you enjoy the mid-point of your week, and appreciate that it is half over. 

We are halfway to another weekend.

I'm going to address something that I have been very silent about over the course of this blog (and, no, it's not politics, at least for now).

It is my journey with cigarettes.

Photo by Ray Reyes on Unsplash

I've struggled for years, and fell into that pitfall of invincible youth, thinking I would never get "caught." After smoking on and off for eons, picking it up and putting it back down again at whim, I did, in fact, get hooked. I believe it was a combination of stress, anxiety, social situations, the freedom to smoke as much as preferred at one of last year's jobs, and that, yes indeed, nicotine is addictive.

I was raised by chain smokers, making it, in my eyes, rather normalized. I do believe the consensus that smoking around youngsters makes them more likely to pick it up. I also firmly believe in second hand smoke (no denying the proof these days), so you are a great, huge jerk if you subject your family/friends to it.

After a couple of trips to parts of the country I had not frequented, I also became starkly aware that smoking, in my experience, is much more prevalent and socially normalized in New England, than, say, the Midwest and South.

Anyway, I did not attempt to quit “cold-turkey.” I was under quite a bit of stress at the time, the whole reason I had jumped to a pack a day, and I knew me; immediate and complete denial was an automatic sentence to failure. Instead, I found my old vape, and tried that again. It helped me cut down significantly on my daily consumption, which, in turn, cut down on the number of packs I bought every month. I don't remember the details very well, but the ease of the switch was surprising. 

Yes, I did do both for a while, mainly vaping throughout the day and having a real cig every now and then, and I was vaping a strong concentration of nicotine (12mg juice), but I considered any wins in this situation, well, a win. I was quitting something! Of course a win was a win!

Photo by Ray Reyes on Unsplash

My problem stemmed from the fact that I associate blowing smoke with anxiety relief. I have never particularly noticed that nicotine acutally relieves my anxiety, but it was an alternative to stress eating (Eh? Eh? See how I tied that in?). It was literally a nervous habit. And I had begun picking it over bingeing because it was calorie free, and therefore less stressful. Anxiety relief through carcinogenic chemicals or obesity isn't really a choice that should have to be made, but it is one I faced.

Is vaping better for you? I'm not sure. 

I'm in the camp that it hasn't been around long enough for conclusive studies to be completed. We didn't originally know the true dangers of cigarettes, either.

I do know, though, that, even if they do not say it outright, if I absolutely have to indulge, my doctor seems to prefer I pick up a vape than buy a pack. The conversation typically goes, “Good, you're moving in the right direction. Keep cutting back.”

These days, I almost exclusively vape, and have dropped to 3mg juice. The “bad” decision, indulging in a random cancer stick, usually happens on an interesting night out. Surprisingly, that is the only time I can stand the taste of them anymore. 
 

Photo by Gabriel Ramos on Unsplash

A moment of honesty, however. I don't know if I would have given up the “real deal” so thoroughly if it had not been for a bout of bronchitis this winter. That was the turning point for me. I needed/wanted to get better, so gave up everything (cigs and vape) for a couple of weeks. Ultimately, I am still vaping, but those couple of weeks really did make a difference...

If you do not already vape, do not pick it up. It's still nicotine, and nicotine is addictive.

There are plenty of better hobbies. 

I also respect the nicotine companies that have started addressing underage vaping (heard a radio ad advocating for raising the buying age and removing ads from social media).

Maybe it's PR.

Maybe it's an actual show of conscious.

I do support vaping as a valid method of quitting cigarettes, and do not think this option should be removed from the “quitting” arsenal. There are other methods; medication, “cold-turkey,” rationing, apps, etc.

But this is the one working for me. And right now, that is what I care about.

Carbs (Yes, CARBS!)

My biggest realization this year has been how much I fucking missed carbs. For the entirety of this year (which is just past half over), I worked a very physical job. Meaning... I had no time to cook, barely enough time to sleep, limited work/life balance, and was constantly pulling muscles.

And I was burning all the calories, so ate anything I wanted, and still lost weight. So many sandwiches, so much pizza, quick pasta dishes, whatever I could eat on the go out of a gas station.

We've been over the fact that I've been focused on losing weight for a loooong time now. The best thing that could have happened at this point in the journey, though?

Photo by Roberto Martinez on Unsplash

Well, that six month derailment.

I had been living on a very restrictive diet. The lack of time and excessive calorie burn let me experience foods I had forgotten I loved.

For the longest time, I was obsessed with eating less than 100g of carbs a day. Never really went that well. I constantly had massive anxiety about it, felt like a shit person when I went over (which was more often than not), and did a lot of carb bingeing, especially if I was already over for the day.

On the flip side, though I'm only nominally doing any kind of diet counting right now, making carbs "allowed" has massively cut down on the bingeing. 

Photo by atheer alghamdi on Unsplash

Carb counting has it's place, for sure. You can't get all your nutrients from pasta. Macros are a thing, and a balanced diet is, well, you know, healthy.

And after killing myself trying to adhere to fad diets, the anxiety of completely failing to meet daily food goals, all I want to do is eat.... eeevverythhhiiiing.....

While still maintaining my weight. It's a work in progress.....

Luckily, I love vegetables and cooking!

So, while currently trying to curb my carb intake, I do not intend to curb it as severely as I once did. For me, denial leads to anxiety and bingeing, so much better to work out a new solution.

Off-Topic Rant

Doing some experimenting right now. Using new recipes and cooking a lot.

Sidetrack before a rant about carbs, though.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

Community has been the most helpful tool for me staying on track. If you look through this blog, you probably see the many ways I have tried to find it.

That whole community thing has been... rather hit or miss.

The brunt of my success happened while I was active on myfitnesspal. The website/app is a great tool. Has some really great features. Meal tracking, progress charts, and, you guessed it, community.

The reward for building your friends list? Accountability, support, and inspiration.

But I got rather obsessed. I didn't realize how bad it was until I got derailed by “the unfortunate job.”

Calorie counting with a database takes away so much of the guess work of the early days of calorie counting. Thinking about it all day everyday, though? Just as stressful as it ever was.

Anyway, back to community.

At one point, I tried to start a support group with my friends, using the well known failbook. I obsessed about that, too. The group was okay. It even almost took on a of a life of its own. Briefly. I also thought mine was a more positive, inclusive group than some of the groups I had been part of prior. But people don't change. They are opinionated, and some shame each other, push their extreme diets and exercise routines as the only solution, and argue about who is right. Block, leave, etc. You know, typical internet shenanigans.

While all this was going on, I started doing live challenge weigh ins with a local supplement shop. If you've read the old posts (incessant, weren't they?), you probably know that, too.

The point is, I stayed on track best when I was actively engaging in these various formats.

However...

"The unfortunate job” disconnected me from that structure, though it did give me space to gain some necessary perspective.

Now that I'm recovered from the physical injuries... the mental exhaustion...

Now that I am three years in and proven that I can, in fact, maintain!

Now!

Now, it is time to examine how my psyche responded to structured lifestyles I have subjected it to, identifying the best and the worst.

I can be healthy about getting healthy, right? I can figure this out and maintain my individuality?

I got this. I'm pretty sure, anyway.

End unscheduled rant about community.

If you want to hear my opinion on carbs, don't worry, it's coming....

Tiger Stripes

I am very much at that point in my journey where I am questioning just how much more weight I should loose. And not because I have reached my goal.

I am at that place, which many people loosing a significant amount get to, where I don't know if what is left will ever go away. Is it fat? Is it loose skin? Will the loose skin just get more obvious if I loose more weight, or will it cinch in?

I'm pretty lucky, comparatively. The skin on my lower stomach is a bit saggy, but not massively so.

My most noticeable “weight loss scars” are stretch marks.

Photo by Suganth on Unsplash

And I have them everywhere. There are ravines traveling up the length of my stomach, stripes of silver tightly collected all over my breasts, marks on my thighs. And I was so mad during the period when the weight was piling on and those angry red scars were forming. I was so angry! All my life, I had managed to minimize the damage done to my body, and my body damaged itself! Luckily, years later, they are no longer red, but silver. Still rather noticeable, but, with their fading, they are now a badge of success.

Anyone to whom I've expressed concern about those marks (if they were worthwhile humans, at least), told me I was way more worried about them than anyone else ever would be. If you want or need to have surgery, do it, whether it's purely cosmetic or health related, but, in that same vain, if you are, or can be, comfortable in your body, and the physical evidence of your life's journey that it bears, that is good, too.

Not gonna go too deeply into it, but I very much believe in body dysmorphia. I look at pictures from High School and College, during periods when I desperately wanted to be smaller, but was smaller than I am now. Body dysmorphia is definitely a thing.

I see myself in the mirror these days, and I'm happy. I see pictures of myself, and I like those, too. My doctor, at the very least, is happier with the state of my weight. Last time he saw me, he walked into the room and expressed shock, said he barely recognized me. Most importantly, though, I'm comfortable in my own skin. 85 to 90 percent of the time, anyway.

I am selective about what I wear, not because I think that there are things I should not wear. The selectivity derives from the same message expressed in that silly meme, "This one sparks joy."

Hell, I wore a crop top for the first time last year, and it would be a winning bet if you put money on me wearing more of them this year. Oh, someone doesn't like it? Someone is offended by my less than perfect body? Who cares. Not me, for sure. Don't exclude anything you are comfortable wearing from your wardrobe, in my opinion. And if you don't want to wear it, don't. If you don't love it, don't buy it.

But if it makes any piece of you smile, listen to that whispering piece, and grow into it. And definitely do not let any other living soul tell you what to wear or how to live your life.

Live your individual journey just that way. Individually.

P.S. Search the web for rainbow stretch mark tattoos. I hope those pics make you smile.

Did ya miss me?

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Aloha, after nearly a year.

It's been a long year, a productive year, a year of wins and losses, changed thinking, and changed jobs.

Let's see if I can figure this out... And, yes, I'm going to be a bit more transparent this time around.

The last time we talked was August 2018. I was a solid 180 lbs then, and I'm a solid 180 lbs now. I had a bit of a flub September to December and ended up back around 190/195, but regained the progress when I started a very physical job (one that I have, since, decided was not ideal for my mental or physical health, for many reasons).

However, the lowest weight I hit, even with all that activity, was 175, back at the beginning of April.

Let's keep in mind, though, that I am still down 55 lbs from my peak weight of 235!

My records show that I weighed in at 235, May 30th, 2016, and have been progressing in my journey ever since. Yes, I had some setbacks last year... But you know what? At the beginning of this month, I finished the 3rd year of my journey, and yes, my weight has fluctuated this year... But, hell, I'm not 235 anymore. And I'm STILL down from my weight this time last year. The total for the year may only be 10ish, but hey, that's maintenance there.

To top it off? I tried on a bunch of clothing tonight that I thought I would never fit into again. And you know what?

It fucking fits.

Day 30

"I'm down 1.3% bodyfat in 4 weeks. Not crazy loss, but I'm not disappointed. That equates to roughly 2 lbs of bodyfat lost while keeping my muscle the same. My goal is to lose 5% in 12 weeks, which is .4% per week, so I'm running about a week behind. I had a rough week during week 3 so wasn't expecting any progress, but that's actually when I lost the 2 lbs!

I'm also doing a challenge through my local supplement shop. It's a 2 month challenge, and there's money on the line! Prizes for the top 3 winners! You get a point per fat lb lost and muscle lb gained. We've already had the initial weigh in, and this week is the first weigh in for points. Like I said, I lost 2 lbs of fat but no muscle, so I'm a solid 2.2 points. That puts me in 16th place so far this week. I know I can do better. I've been fairly consistent for a month already so I feel like that gives me a leg up on some of the other participants. I'm gonna do this healthy, slow but steady. I'm gonna do my best and hit the exercise hard. I need to get better about eating back my exercise calories.

The leader right now has 6.5 points. That's a lot. While I want them to succeed, I also want to win. It's a double-sided coin. I feel bad for some of the participants. One of them already has -6.8 points. That's gotta be discouraging and hard to come back from.

Like I said, I want everyone to succeed and meet their goals, but I also want to win, or at least place! I'll keep you updated!"

Day 29

"Did legs and cardio today.

130g of protein. Little low."

I'm trying to catch up on my exercise goals for the week. It's super warm in my apartment. We're having a heat wave and it's a challenge to work out. 

Managed to complete Killer Body Lower Body, and do half of one of the Zumba Country Heat workout. 

It's been a while since I did pure cardio. So much easier than Jillian Michaels. I think I need to start doubling up some days to jumpstart my loss again.

Ran a bunch of errands in the morning so had to get a smoothie out for breakfast because I forgot to eat breakfast. Not too much of a calorie bomb, but not high protein.

The only reason I even got that much protein was because I ate back my exercise calories, but I want to try not to do that unless it's to drink a protein shake. 

My goal is to do arms and cardio tomorrow, and legs and abs on Friday. Then, if I just do arms on Saturday, I'll have exceeded my exercise goals for the week. Wish me luck!