Carbs (Yes, CARBS!)

My biggest realization this year has been how much I fucking missed carbs. For the entirety of this year (which is just past half over), I worked a very physical job. Meaning... I had no time to cook, barely enough time to sleep, limited work/life balance, and was constantly pulling muscles.

And I was burning all the calories, so ate anything I wanted, and still lost weight. So many sandwiches, so much pizza, quick pasta dishes, whatever I could eat on the go out of a gas station.

We've been over the fact that I've been focused on losing weight for a loooong time now. The best thing that could have happened at this point in the journey, though?

Photo by Roberto Martinez on Unsplash

Well, that six month derailment.

I had been living on a very restrictive diet. The lack of time and excessive calorie burn let me experience foods I had forgotten I loved.

For the longest time, I was obsessed with eating less than 100g of carbs a day. Never really went that well. I constantly had massive anxiety about it, felt like a shit person when I went over (which was more often than not), and did a lot of carb bingeing, especially if I was already over for the day.

On the flip side, though I'm only nominally doing any kind of diet counting right now, making carbs "allowed" has massively cut down on the bingeing. 

Photo by atheer alghamdi on Unsplash

Carb counting has it's place, for sure. You can't get all your nutrients from pasta. Macros are a thing, and a balanced diet is, well, you know, healthy.

And after killing myself trying to adhere to fad diets, the anxiety of completely failing to meet daily food goals, all I want to do is eat.... eeevverythhhiiiing.....

While still maintaining my weight. It's a work in progress.....

Luckily, I love vegetables and cooking!

So, while currently trying to curb my carb intake, I do not intend to curb it as severely as I once did. For me, denial leads to anxiety and bingeing, so much better to work out a new solution.

Off-Topic Rant

Doing some experimenting right now. Using new recipes and cooking a lot.

Sidetrack before a rant about carbs, though.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

Community has been the most helpful tool for me staying on track. If you look through this blog, you probably see the many ways I have tried to find it.

That whole community thing has been... rather hit or miss.

The brunt of my success happened while I was active on myfitnesspal. The website/app is a great tool. Has some really great features. Meal tracking, progress charts, and, you guessed it, community.

The reward for building your friends list? Accountability, support, and inspiration.

But I got rather obsessed. I didn't realize how bad it was until I got derailed by “the unfortunate job.”

Calorie counting with a database takes away so much of the guess work of the early days of calorie counting. Thinking about it all day everyday, though? Just as stressful as it ever was.

Anyway, back to community.

At one point, I tried to start a support group with my friends, using the well known failbook. I obsessed about that, too. The group was okay. It even almost took on a of a life of its own. Briefly. I also thought mine was a more positive, inclusive group than some of the groups I had been part of prior. But people don't change. They are opinionated, and some shame each other, push their extreme diets and exercise routines as the only solution, and argue about who is right. Block, leave, etc. You know, typical internet shenanigans.

While all this was going on, I started doing live challenge weigh ins with a local supplement shop. If you've read the old posts (incessant, weren't they?), you probably know that, too.

The point is, I stayed on track best when I was actively engaging in these various formats.

However...

"The unfortunate job” disconnected me from that structure, though it did give me space to gain some necessary perspective.

Now that I'm recovered from the physical injuries... the mental exhaustion...

Now that I am three years in and proven that I can, in fact, maintain!

Now!

Now, it is time to examine how my psyche responded to structured lifestyles I have subjected it to, identifying the best and the worst.

I can be healthy about getting healthy, right? I can figure this out and maintain my individuality?

I got this. I'm pretty sure, anyway.

End unscheduled rant about community.

If you want to hear my opinion on carbs, don't worry, it's coming....

Tiger Stripes

I am very much at that point in my journey where I am questioning just how much more weight I should loose. And not because I have reached my goal.

I am at that place, which many people loosing a significant amount get to, where I don't know if what is left will ever go away. Is it fat? Is it loose skin? Will the loose skin just get more obvious if I loose more weight, or will it cinch in?

I'm pretty lucky, comparatively. The skin on my lower stomach is a bit saggy, but not massively so.

My most noticeable “weight loss scars” are stretch marks.

Photo by Suganth on Unsplash

And I have them everywhere. There are ravines traveling up the length of my stomach, stripes of silver tightly collected all over my breasts, marks on my thighs. And I was so mad during the period when the weight was piling on and those angry red scars were forming. I was so angry! All my life, I had managed to minimize the damage done to my body, and my body damaged itself! Luckily, years later, they are no longer red, but silver. Still rather noticeable, but, with their fading, they are now a badge of success.

Anyone to whom I've expressed concern about those marks (if they were worthwhile humans, at least), told me I was way more worried about them than anyone else ever would be. If you want or need to have surgery, do it, whether it's purely cosmetic or health related, but, in that same vain, if you are, or can be, comfortable in your body, and the physical evidence of your life's journey that it bears, that is good, too.

Not gonna go too deeply into it, but I very much believe in body dysmorphia. I look at pictures from High School and College, during periods when I desperately wanted to be smaller, but was smaller than I am now. Body dysmorphia is definitely a thing.

I see myself in the mirror these days, and I'm happy. I see pictures of myself, and I like those, too. My doctor, at the very least, is happier with the state of my weight. Last time he saw me, he walked into the room and expressed shock, said he barely recognized me. Most importantly, though, I'm comfortable in my own skin. 85 to 90 percent of the time, anyway.

I am selective about what I wear, not because I think that there are things I should not wear. The selectivity derives from the same message expressed in that silly meme, "This one sparks joy."

Hell, I wore a crop top for the first time last year, and it would be a winning bet if you put money on me wearing more of them this year. Oh, someone doesn't like it? Someone is offended by my less than perfect body? Who cares. Not me, for sure. Don't exclude anything you are comfortable wearing from your wardrobe, in my opinion. And if you don't want to wear it, don't. If you don't love it, don't buy it.

But if it makes any piece of you smile, listen to that whispering piece, and grow into it. And definitely do not let any other living soul tell you what to wear or how to live your life.

Live your individual journey just that way. Individually.

P.S. Search the web for rainbow stretch mark tattoos. I hope those pics make you smile.